So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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