and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
