Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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