sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
