New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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