watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
