the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
