Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
