I will die if light touches me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
