Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
