I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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