I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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