So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
