There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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