Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
