I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
