No awkward lesbian experiences without me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
