I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
