I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
