I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
