so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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