Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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