We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
