i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
even my farts smell like vagina
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
