I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
