Define "chronic" masturbator.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
