I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
