i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
