I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
