so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
