A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
