Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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