If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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