Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
