He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
