at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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