I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
