Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
