the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
