I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my shit smells like andre
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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