I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
