I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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