Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
