Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
