and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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