she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Come on in and take your pants off
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