Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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