dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They took my balls.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
