Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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