Define "chronic" masturbator.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
